I cant pretend anymore

“I see that your scars not only mark a cut, they commemorate a joining.” They will always be there with me forever. From the moment I made them until the day I forget them. But healed they are, and whole I am. Just like every hurt that will heal and make me stronger…I will internalize, but always show my scar, my pride, my battle wound. I am living. I am ALIVE. "She felt that she could help a lot of people and she could give a lot of people inspiration, courage and hope, that’s why she did the documentary and that's why she started the foundation."

“I am a monster, because I am a multiple, and because I am a mixture.” No one understands. No one chooses to see deeper under the layers. I am many, but all in one. I will not live in the spiral of silence. I will grow and leave the growing skeptism behind. “Strong negative feedbacks with soil-borne pathogens prevent rare tree species from becoming abundant.”

"I am buried here. You can resurrect me but only piecemeal. If you want to see the whole, you will have to sew me together yourself." No! I don’t need you to help me anymore. But I do. But why do I feel this torment inside? I want to be rid of you, and all your control. I want to be the one to leave. But you never gave me the chance. Buried me beneath hate and lies. I have surfaced now, and I am gone. “ I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”

“My birth takes place more than once.” Over and over I have tried to be everything they wanted, and no longer can I create myself in their image of perfection and serenity. I am borne of hate, insecurity, and beauty beyond any person’s understanding. Only when I accept myself will the past and all of myself combine to be one, and I will be. Yes I will just be. “The accident June 10 "ended my trip but it didn't end my dream," Abby Sunderland said.”

“My leg is always twitching, jumping, joggling. It wants to go places. It has had enough of waiting.” I can’t live what I have created. I am coddled in a cocoon that I harbor myself in. They gave me so much love, and everything I could ever want. I learned to get whatever I desired by giving a look. Reality struck, and what I was living was not real. If I could just jump without a net. I don’t care if I land on my feet. I just want to fly. “ I felt it was time to move on, even though I had no agent, no money, no prospects.There have been many times in my life when I've made a decision to leave someplace, even though it's a risk, it just feels right. It's been a real pattern in my life where I'll get to place and just...go!”

“Her scars lay like living things between us, inscribing themselves in my skin. I thought I too was rent and sewn, that I was both multiply estranged and gathered together in a dynamic union. What divided her, divided me.” I never knew what love was until it was gone. But then it was gone. I could not love it anymore. I could only wish I had adored it in life. What is wrong with me? When she hurt I hurt, but did she know that? I fall down on my knees. Rain is absent, but stil there is precipitation that is endless, and it damages my face. I feel her pain now, and I know she is with me. She is with me. “For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There's no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.”

"I had made her, writing deep into the night by candlelight, until the tiny black letters blurred into stitches and I began to feel that I was sewing a great quilt" I write deep into the blurry night, and things begin to overlap in my tired mind. I can’t comprehend what I say on the page, and the red and the blue conform to make a beautiful prose that lyrically is a masterpiece. Could this be the one? Could this be the one that gets me to “go places”? “Your words to me a whisper,Your face is so unclear,I try to pay attention, Your words just disappear”

"Thanks, Mary, for that kindness, however tinge with disgust. Hideous progeny: yes, I was both those things, for you, and more. Lover, friend, collaborator. It is my eyes you describe--with fear, yes, but with fascination: yellow, watery, but speculative eyes" I thought I knew you. I knew though I was wrong. You were everything and then became nothing but still something that I wanted. Confusion sourounds my clouded independent captive mind. I can’t think about it anymore. I want to cut the part of you in me out. I guess my heart must go. “Love is whatever you can still betray ... Betrayal can only happen if you love.”

"who, in this world, I shall never see more." Please tell me this isn’t true? You are a liar, and you always wished me harm. So you say you are good, and merciful, but the hate that you allow is alive in the dead. I am aware of what is blind to the ignorant. Stolen away by your creation! Ravaged by evil that you condemn. I loved her. No! I love her. And so many others that I will never see-God have mercy on your soul. But then again…what was your name again? You have three. “Disobey God and he will crush you.”

"I have a crazy wish! I wish that I had cut off a part of me, something Percy would not miss, but something dear to me, and given it to be a part of her. I would live on in her, and she would know me as I know myself. I fear this but crave it. I do not know if she would want it. But I could graft myself to that mighty vine. Who knows what strange new fruit the two of us might bear?" Is it wrong that I want to be joined together with another. I want. I want. So narcissitic? On another level I deserve to be wanted and desired, and loved for no other reason that I am who I am and no other. It consumes me. Why? When? I love me. Will it ever be enough? "A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever, expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional.”

Superman

I love him. My friend.
He didn’t know, and he left to see her.
He the one who was a real friend, and human. He cared for people, and he was better than the rest that he called friends.
He told me, “Leave. When love is gone, it is gone.” I took his advice too late. He listened.
We live in a wintery place, and it is dangerous. I think he got lost, but I was not there. She made him come because she has no feeling. So he left and didn’t come back. He veered off the road, and flew like Superman. He soared threw the sky to heaven above.
I love him.
She cried for a day, and then threw her so called love away. She shifted her gaze to my heart and speared it because she can’t look herself in the face. She is disgusting.
He left behind a smile that makes me know that I should keep going in times of sorrow, and I am. I am.
The old is gone. The new isn’t here. But I exist.
He is Superman. The Man of Steel who broke. My Super Hero who mended my heart. I cry. Others should be in his place. But it is not be. But what is not doesn’t mean it will never be. I will see him again.
My Superman.

The Truth Inside

I recalled for some strange reason this day.
She laced up her red Nike sneaks and prepared for her routine walk. It was a stifling June day. Nothing particularly exciting about it, but there was something I was forgetting. I was compelled to want to join her in her adventure around the neighborhood we had called home for so long. We were growing closer as the time passed, but as moments fleeted her life shortend.
“It’s so beautiful” she said.
“You could find beauty in anything. Even the saddest and most depressing of things,” I replied.
We walked further on as I huffed and puffed after only a few minutes in the hot sun.
“I’m glad we have this time to talk. I’ve been doing some thinking, and I feel your old enough to know what all the fighting is about.” She took a brief moment and continued on looking quite serious and conflicted. “As you know I am considering moving out on my own. However, after much thought I have decided that it isn’t possible at the moment.” She took a breath.
And I took one as well.
“I’ve suppressed so much for so long…” she continued,” and the truth is your father and I have had problems since you were young. He was unfaithful, had a drinking problem, and was mentally abusive.”
This time it was me who had stopped her. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, or maybe it was that I didn’t want to believe it. But I resolved to let her unburden herself because I loved her more than anyone else in the world.
“I never let it show to you or anyone else because I felt like a failure, and couldn’t let you be hurt. I love your father dearly, but my life grows shorter each day. I have had a lot of life, and I want to start living. I can’t afford to live on my own, and I’m telling all this to you because I cannot afford to have you make the same mistakes I did.”
I was thinking that it wouldn’t happen to me, and now I know I was naïve. I also was mad at my father for putting my mother through this, but I was even madder at myself for not hating him and disowning him. He was my father.
She continued. “Don’t ever rely on anyone for anything. Be yourself whoever that maybe at any given time. Value yourself.”
She handed me a note which I was instructed to read when the time was right.
Later that day I recalled it was her birthday.
7 months passed…nearing the end
Screaming had erupted, and I flew down the stairs alarmed by what I was hearing.
The words inconsequential, but the consequenses more devastating then intended. I spoke louder than I had ever spoken before not in tone but in meaning. I hurt the one I loved, and had seen the one I beloved destroyed. My father angered at his helplessness lashed out at his partner, and my mother unable to defend her honor had given up and died that day.
I went to her side and said, “You look beautiful”
She mumurred,”You could find beauty in anything. Even the saddest and most depressing of things.”
I recited to her the note, “Just a note stating how much I LOVE You and how very proud I am of you. I want you to be happy and have piece of mind as you journey through your life. Don’t take life too seriously. Enjoy it and savor it. No this is not my last letter to you-I want you to know that today is not “just another day”. It’s a special one as you are to me! With all my love.”
I held her hand and we needn’t say anything more. We learned together what love was, and I forgave my father and let my mother have peace.

Confidence vs The Typical

Confidence - Don't worry about everything so much!



The Typical - I told you I don't, but well? He didn't call, she didn't write, I'm not perfect, and nothing seems right.



Confidence - You have the world at your feet and are so amazing. Everyone would be stupid not to think so, and if they think otherwise then pull the new Christina Aguilera attitude on 'em.



The Typical - Ok if the world is at my beckon call...the why aren't they picking up the line? And I hate when people say forget those that don't like you. It's so passive aggressive.



Confidence - We'll I'm amazing just the way I am! and you kinda look like me.. Go figure...



The Typical - You obviously look nothing like me...you probably don't even need to work out to be in shape...You probably can eat whatever you want. If I even look at an ad for food I gain 15 pounds and all in my HIPS!!!



Confidence - I'm obviously not going to convince you that you are perfect without any help from anyone or anything...You'll figure it out. It all comes with time.



The Typical - Great! Time...age...older...wrinkles...With any luck I could be a Housewife.



Confidence - Oh yes...hold on to those dreams.